May review

I feel like a lot of things have happened. I kind of lost myself. I feel like May has ended on a good note for me. It has been better than April and the start of May. I lost myself in the past 2 month not knowing in which direction to go, what to do and I ended up not doing anything. My day just consisted on me eating and playing games. It was my escape. I did not want to face the reality that I was not fine. Fine! Can someone tell me what fine really means. Because I don't know. I have been wanting to do a lot of things but just did not have the motivation to do anything. The motivation and passion that I had in at the start of the year just vanished, just leaving me with a void and uncertainty.

I have stopped youtube, blogging, revising but also reduced the times that I have been working out. I have neglected myself. I stopped taking care of myself. I have been so good at working out since January, working out 5 times a week. It was something that I was pride of. It started been 4 time a week and then 3 times a week. It was like I was forcing myself to workout. Working out have been a joy. Something that I was looking forward to and now it had become something that I was forcing myself to do. I don't know whether it was stress or anxiety but every Monday I would feel sick and weak and I would not exercise and I would just tell myself tomorrow will be a better day. The next day I would feel better and the next day I would feel the same as Monday. I felt like I was failing my resolution. I was putting so much pressure on myself. Then I told myself why are you working out. This simple question has me thinking . Because I felt good after doing it, I liked the results that I was gaining. I stopped thinking and overthinking and just worked out. This was me 2 weeks ago. Now I'm back working out 5 times a week without forcing myself. It is just in your mind. Just start and if it does not work you know you tried.

Now youtube. Youtube has been something I have been wanting to do for 3 years never finding the courage to do it. Now that I have been doing it I realised that it is something that I do enjoy doing. I have not gained any subscribers and it has been such a disappointment. I stopped doing it and my best friend message me and said why are you not uploading. I was unmotivated. Then I realised I started youtube not to gain subscribers but because I really like to make videos. Making videos has made me more confident.Even if I don't gain any subscribers that's ok. I'm doing it because it make me happy. There is always going to be a point in your life that you will question yourself and everything that make you, you. Just roll with it and maybe you will get the results that you wanted but also maybe you will end up in a totally different situation and you like it.

Blogging also has been an issue. I feel like everything has been down all at once. I was putting too much pressure on doing 5 times a week, along with 2 times on youtube and revising. I felt trapped and I stopped. I stopped everything. Now my goal has been to write whenever I want to. My blog is a piece of my life. I just share what I like and what I have been doing. I always second guess everything and put myself down. I tell myself no one wants to read this. There are so many interesting bloggers out there doing such a great job. But I can't compare myself with my 6 month of blogging when they have been doing it for 5 or 6 years. Maybe when they started blogging they also were guessing themselves. They also had moments of uncertainty. You have to believe in yourself before anyone else believes in you

Now the final topic is revising. I have been slacking and putting off my exams for so long. I am scared of failure. I have not find any motivation in revising. It has been one thing that I could not do from the start I cannot concentrate and I feel like a failure with i'm not revising. I am still stressing myself with how to revise efficiently. I have been revising on and off for the past year for the same paper. I lack confidence that I will succeed. I see my friends working or some finishing uni and I'm here still the same as I left high school. This gives me anxiety but I know I can do it with a little bit of motivation and confidence and a lot of hard work I can do it.

So this have been my May review. Hope you liked the raw version of what has really been going on in my life. I see you guys next time.